Tall Curly Biscuit

This is what my son wrote for his paragraph in the family Christmas letter.  He’s 13.

“Last summer I went to camp where we had a storm with no rain because the drops evaporated before they hit the ground.  However, the lightening caused a wildfire, and we had to evacuate.  We were relocated to a small room, which is always the best place to go in a fire.  Everyone knew exactly what they were doing.

I was already sick from previous encounters with atrocious meals served up by nutritionally inept camp directors.  While in the small, not fire-safe room, I puked on some kids.  No.  No. I didn’t puke on anyone……but I did spread my disease to the entire camp.  Within 15 hours, the whole population of Boy Scout camp was infected with my cooties.  THEY SHUT DOWN THE CAMP because of the incapacitating contagion, which spread, ironically, like wildfire.

I forgot everything else.”

I’m surprisingly proud to have this vomit section in our Christmas newsletter.  The kid makes me laugh!

I found something we all need for the protection of our loved ones, but I don’t want you to think I’m going overboard.  I mean, I try not to be an overprotective, helicopter mom.  My kids have independence; they get up on their own for school and take responsibility for their homework.  They have as much freedom as any other suburban kids.  However, I’ve taken the typical precautions.  I’m just a normal mom who has warned my children about the potential detriments lurking in almost every negative scenario or so I thought.

For reference, I made this handy Action and Consequence table for my kids:

That’s the first page of many, but you get the idea.

I just ran across a book that is truly a necessity for any careful parent.  You should buy this book for the loved ones in your life: Never Smile at a Monkey: And 17 Other Important Things to Remember.  Apparently there is a whole realm of animals out there just waiting to kill us!  I was unaware of several of these threatening animals, and therefore unable to warn my children—until now.

This book will shore up your children's knowledge of horrid consequences.

Here’s a summary: “When it comes to wild animals, everyone knows that there are certain things you just don’t do. It’s clearly a bad idea to tease a tiger, pull a python’s tail, or bother a black widow spider. But do you know how dangerous it can be to pet a platypus, collect a cone shell, or touch a tang fish? Some creatures have developed unusual ways of protecting themselves or catching prey, and this can make them unexpectedly hazardous to your health.
In this dynamic and fascinating picture book by Steve Jenkins, you’ll find out what you should never do if you encounter one of these surprisingly dangerous animals.”

Page  14: “NEVER jostle a jellyfish.  A box jellyfish, that is. Most jellyfish can sting people, but the box jellyfish, also known as a sea wasp, is in a class by itself.  Even the smallest contact with its stinging tentacles causes intense pain. If you are unlucky enough to become really entangled with a box jellyfish, you can die very quickly.”

Be afraid: jellyfish are deadlier than you probably thought.

Buy this book for Christmas, if you can wait that long.  Did I mention that you’ll find it in the children’s section?  Houghton Mifflin is very concerned with your child’s well-being.

1. Eddie Bauer Portable Collapsible Shovel

Eddie Bauer Small Collapsible Shovel

Why does anyone need a small shovel?  It seems one would need either a large shovel for snow removal or nothing at all.

Perhaps you are the Johnny Appleseed of tulip planting.

Or maybe you have little regard for convention—a rebel who likes to poop on the side of the road.  Do you travel with a band of nomadic gypsies?  No, you say?  You simply prefer the romantic naturalism of tall, swaying grass brushing against your baby-soft rump instead of the cold, plastic toilet seat of a harshly lit McDonald’s restroom?  Okay.  Maybe your friends and family know that you frequently stop on the side of the road to relieve yourself, and they think that you need to start burying that sh**.   That’s why they purchased you this convenient shovel.

Or perhaps the gift giver suspects that you may need to bury a dead body unexpectedly.  Giving a small, portable shovel is a kind gesture; it’s caring, practical, and means someone still loves the monster inside of you.

2. Forever Lazy

The commercial promotes wearing this item out in public. You too can look like a small pachyderm!

This couple gave up long ago. He doesn't even take Viagra.

This item signals the official decline of the American work ethic.  If you receive it, you are part of the problem in a major way, and everyone knows it. If someone buys you an item with a convenient hatch for going to the restroom and it’s not hunting coveralls, you need to put down the remote, wipe up the drool, and take action to improve your life.

3. Sling Couture Protective Face Mask

Is this to protect you, or to shield the gift-giver from your nasty cooties?  If you think this will make you more attractive to the opposite sex, I got news for you: if you’re wearing this, you should refrain from human contact, remember?

4. Ear Guards

Ear Guards

If your friend or relative thinks you need a protective cover to prevent earwig or other insect infestation in any orifice, you need to take off your Forever Lazys, burn your house down, and start over in life.  Don’t forget to grab your Sling Couture Mask because it will protect against the smoke for a short while as you clear the area.

5. World’s Largest Gummy Bear

12,600 calories

There is some debate at my house over whether this is a good gift or not.  Either way, I hope it’s not something you would buy for yourself.  Despite its impact-resistant chemical structure, the massive gummy will melt in the arson attack, and you can delay the onset of diabetes for another few weeks

Merry Christmas!!!  I have to go wrap the King Ah-Ah-Choo Egyptian Tissue Box Cover for my friend who has both bad allergies and a lust for history.

This guy should take some nose spray.

What’s the best worst present you’ve ever received?

A while back, in an email to my best friend, I accidentally misused the word “bizarre.”  I wrote something like “My grandma used to go to craft bizarres.”

My friend replied, “Craft bizarre? Are you sure it wasn’t… Craft BAZAAR???  I think you may have just made my Facebook status with that one. But the Facebook mockery (I mean flattery) will have to wait until tomorrow night. I think I might go take an hour nap on the couch before I resume work.”*

*I left this line in on purpose in order to make her appear lazy.  Revenge is sweet.

She’s the kind of friend who doesn’t lie, ever.

When I asked this friend what I could do to improve my blog, she instructed me to purchase a grammar book.

She’s also available to tell you that you do, in fact, look fat in your jeans.

Then, in the paper, I saw this headline: “Cops Detain Two Suspects in Bazaar Shooting.”  Surely they meant to print “Bizarre Shooting.”  At first, I was thrilled that someone else, a journalism professional, made a similar mistake!  Maybe I’m not so dumb if other people forget it’s a homonym, too.  Two seconds later, I questioned my decision to remain loyal to printed news.  If the paper can’t afford to hire writers who have read the grammar book my friend told me to order, who are they employing?

But then I read the full article and realized that the headline was correct because—get this—the shooting took place at the Big T. Bazaar shopping center in east Dallas.  It was indeed a “Bazaar Shooting” under not-so-bizarre circumstances.  It was just a regular ol’ drug money fight.  Too bad it wasn’t a gun fight between time-traveling transgender aliens battling for control of supernatural plasma and the right to procreate with Barry Manilow.  Then we would have had a Bizarre Bazaar Shooting on our hands.  It makes me sad that the criminals passed up this opportunity.  Couldn’t one of them have done something a little weirder?  Of course, we could always go down to the Big T. Bazaar and stage something….any volunteers?  Barry?

If you have any ideas, please post them in the comments section below.  Let’s discuss.

My husband makes me laugh with his killer Kermit the Frog impression.  And when my kids rolled on the floor from laughing at this video, The Muppets gained an even more special place in my heart — the kind of special space that’s reserved for Murdock from The A-Team and my dad when he replaces song lyrics with cat meows.

I’m excited about the release of The Muppets, in theaters tomorrow!

Whether you are a fan of cloth and fur characters or not, you should read the excerpt below, written by a British blogger I stalk, Scaryduck. He accepted my Facebook friend request, probably against the advice of his lawyers and confidants, and I immediately sent him a message declaring my admiration and loyalty.  He responded with, “cor, thanks.”  I hope that means “Cool! I really like your blog and think you are awesome, too” in UK slang.

Here’s what Scaryduck wrote:

Kismet, Kermit's jealous, hick brother from the swamp.

At Disney World, when the family was in line for The 3D Muppet show near the end of a long day, I was tired and couldn’t stop repeating “He married a bloody whore pig!” to myself and laughing wildly.  And if the world revolved around comedy, my in-laws would have looked lovingly at my husband, glanced back at me with disdain, and thought “touché.”  But they really like me, so that didn’t happen.  That I know of.  And that makes this story less funny.