Your Clothing Identity

***Here’s an update from my last blog post, where I freaked out a woman I don’t know by recognizing her as the owner of a yellow submarine belt buckle she had worn two months earlier and matching her to a lost set of keys with a yellow submarine keychain: Two days after the night at the movies, I had something to return to that very customer service department where she worked. My husband was with me, and we joked about how funny it would be for me to go up to the counter and tell her in an intense, serious voice, “I blogged about you last night.” Thank goodness for all of us that she wasn’t there that day.***

The submarine belt buckle reminded me of the somewhat questionable clothing I’ve recently worn.

Me, in a bright green blouse and purple coat, ready for a party: How do I look? Is it too colorful?

Andy: Uhhh… good. Kinda like the Joker, but in a good way.

How is that good? Do I need to change?

Andy: It’s the Joker’s colors. Just like if I had on all black you’d say I looked like Batman.

No. No, I wouldn’t say that.

My husband and my best friend both criticize my clothing choices on a regular basis, but as long as they hurl creative insults, I’m okay with it. I recently brought home a fitted leopard print dress. I was a little unsure about what to wear to a special event, and I thought it was a safe move. Wait… I thought a full-body animal print was safe? Gosh, there’s a strong possibility I have horrible taste.

Do you like this dress?

Andy: Mmm, no. You look like a New Jersey mob wife. It fits well, but it’s too much. What’s with that gold chain on the neck? Is that part of the dress?

Yes, it’s part of the dress. This is a nice brand. You really don’t like it? Would you be embarrassed to be seen with me?

Yeah, I would. You look like a cougar at a Holiday Inn bar. I don’t like it at all.

What??? The Holiday Inn bar? I don’t even get the Hilton?

No, not the Hilton. This is definitely more of a Holiday Inn look.

My friend, who came over later to give an opinion: Mmm, I don’t know. Are those the shoes you would wear with it? (pointing to the black bootie heels I had out)

Yes… (slipping shoes on so she could get the full effect)

(snickering turning to outright laughter) You look like Stifler’s Mom.

Regarding Stifler’s mom from the American Pie movies: It’s not what I was going for.

So that was a solid no on the leopard print dress with extraneous gold chains.

A couple of weeks later these two told me that my new scarf looked like a Bill Cosby sweater. They advised that wearing the scarf and matching hat sent me over the edge into African Diplomat territory, but the scarf on its own was acceptable because Bill Cosby sweaters are still in the midst of a comeback. It was a risk I was willing to take. I looked Cosby-tastic on my recent trip to NYC and got preferred parking at several United Nations sites.

Check out these Bill Cosby sweater cookies:

You know you’ve reached the pinnacle of pop culture success when you’ve been embodied in sugar cookie form. Photo from kscakes.blogspot.com

What odd trinkets/ belt buckles/ scarves/ general weird clothing are you a fan of right now? Do you receive any entertaining insults?

In other words, how will I know what set of keys to match you up with? You probably need to read my last post for this to make any sense whatsoever.