If you are like me then you acquired most of your sexual knowledge from watching The Golden Girls and PBS specials on insect mating rituals. Oh, and I mustn’t forget the rape mysteries on Dateline—my family watched lots of horrific news programs. Together these shows made me distrustful of men, enlightened about elderly impotence, and strangely aroused by antennae. Just kidding about one of those.
Anyway, it comes as no surprise that when I saw an article about fruit fly shagging, I was intrigued. Calm down—there is no scientific breakthrough in “doing it” rituals, but this study may help explain alcohol consumption in humans.
Scientists—clearly perverted ones—just kidding—sounds like a fun job—studied male fruit flies’ responses to being sexually rejected by female flies. In the study, some females had just boinked another dude and some females were dead. The gals who had just gotten a little somethin’ put up a big fight with the new males. The dead ones just laid there. (Guys, insert your dumb marriage joke here.)
Both the males who were in with the fighting, previously-porked females and the males who were in with the dead females were considered rejected in this study because they tried to mate and couldn’t. Males who had just made sweet love were the control group. Researchers found that the rejected males were much more likely to choose alcohol-laced food than males who were satisfied. The rejected males also flew towards photos of Hummers and Ed Hardy apparel.
Rejected flies love this clothing line.
Scientists think the study translates to human experiences. Since male fruit flies who have been sexually rejected are much more likely to drink, this could help explain human alcoholism and Indian casinos.
This study also provides a whole new reason to make fun of spring break drunkards and people from New Hampshire, who consume more alcohol per capita than people in any other state. They claim it’s because they have no sales tax on alcohol, but I think it’s because they’re compensating. Look at how New Hampshire is shaped:
Judge for yourself.
We must also consider that this “study” could also be a ploy by male scientists to “prove” that we must have lots of sex or else risk living in a society of raging alcoholics.
Real science or not, let’s agree to quench our longing loins in an effort to rid the world of Ed Hardy shirts.
Not worn by people--or flies--doing it.
My hypothesis: Scientists will discover that female fruit flies who drink red wine are more likely to lay with a male, in the Biblical sense.
So the dudes who went for the dead (drunk? playing dead?) girlie flies… a) were they considered ‘rejected?’ b) did they drink? c) if so, did they appear to be drinking in celebration, or due to guilt for their dirty ways?
Yes, the fly dudes who were in with the dead chicks were still considered rejected, even though there wasn’t any fighting. Those guys drank too. Apparently fighting women and dead ladies drive men to drink. Come to think of it, I might have been able to guess this even without the scientific fruit fly study. I wonder if the male flies in with the dead females knew they were dead….kinda creepy. Now I feel sorry for the guy flies.
I kinda feel sorry for the dead girls, and any other flies who had to witness corpse kinkiness.
Now this whole story is making me feel sorry for all the flies involved, mainly because they’re flies and being a fly would stink. And the scientists are depraved.
Can someone cheer me up?
I had to take a lot of science-y labs in college, so I have more first-hand experience with mating fruit flies than anyone in polite society should really admit to. I have my doubts about this study for the following reasons:
1) To work with the flies you have to put them to sleep with gas (or else train them to sit still under the microscope, which they’re rarely willing to do). I can’t stress enough how easy it is to gas a fly to death – it doesn’t take much. So I’m fairly sure that ALL the flies in any given fly-based study are dead, regardless of what the scientists claim.
2) If you’ve ever seen a fly under a microscope, you know that up close they are seriously ugly. Now consider this – all flies see each other up close. There is no way they’re gettin’ it on. Too hideous.
This study would be a lot more believable if the scientists determined the flies got drunk BEFORE trying to knock boots – I bet it takes a lot of beer goggles on those compound eyes to get them in the mood.
Haha- I love the name of your last post! Here’s the link to the real article, although I took the info from a regurgitated version out of the Dallas Morning News. http://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2012/03/120315145415.htm
Oh, and a note at the bottom says that the information was taken from materials provided by University of Missouri-Columbia.
But you could be right–it’s probably fake research done by male scientists and funded by Victoria’s Secret.
Any other conspiracy theories out there?
HA! I’m just saying, I’ve ruined a semester’s worth of work plenty of times by accidentally overgassing, and do you think I started the experiment over? NO WAY. I don’t have that kind of time. I can only imagine those scientists were the same way – they were probably all like, “OOPS, killed the study sample again. Oh well, just checkmark some of the boxes on those forms and let’s hit the bars. I’m already wearing a Ed Hardy tee under my lab coat, so I’m good to go.”
“I’m already wearing a Ed Hardy tee under my lab coat, so I’m good to go.”
You just made me spit out my hot tea and clap like a seal!
I have a great wife…I’ve never seen a dead female…I don’t drink…it’s all so clear to me now…
Or was it–“I have a wonderful dead female…I’ve never seen my wife…I don’t dr–no, I was right the first time. (whew)
Haha! Yes, yes. The first statement was correct. I can assure you that your wife is lovely and that she would never let you wear Ed Hardy shirts.
SI! Thank you–I agree! *he says as he eyes Ed Hardy T’s online for the first time…help me….*
This is just kinda sick
The scientists? Oh, yes, the scientists are totally sick. Not me, of course.