How to Bake Sugar Cookies Worth Crashing Your Car For

I wonder what accident I will cause or narrowly avoid today.

That sounds like a pessimistic, fateful statement.  It is.

I baked the Cookies of Destruction last night.

If you don’t like crisis situations, you may ask: “What are the Cookies of Destruction, and how can I avoid them?”  But if you obsess over cookies like I do, you may say, “Those must be delicious and totally worth it!  How can I get my hands on some?!”  I’m here to help.

The Cookies of Destruction are extremely time-consuming sugar cookies.  Delicate and light, these crumbs from heaven will melt in your mouth with buttery sweetness.

My mom recently baked these elephant cookies for a baby shower.

You may still be wondering why they’re called Cookies of Destruction.  That’s a fair question.  You see, these cookies always take far more time than I think they will.  I overestimate my superpowers.  The last time I baked these fragile cookies, it was in preparation for a big party.  I thought I’d be done by 10:30 p.m., but I was still meticulously mixing, cutting, baking, and applying frosting until 3:00 a.m.

My mom also baked and decorated these not long ago. She is brave and willing to risk destruction for elaborate parties. Or she just manages her time better than I do.

Nothing good ever happens when I’m tired.  My brain goes in slow motion or shuts off entirely.  Later that morning, I drove through my brick house like the Kool Aid man bursts through walls.

This could actually happen. Brick walls are surprisingly weak.

Getting 3 hours of restless sleep and not having my morning tea severely impaired my brain function, specifically the ability of one part of my brain to communicate to the other and then tell my foot what to do.

I was just returning from taking my son to school when this incident occurred.  According to an email I sent right after the accident, this is exactly what went through my sleepy brain:

8:05:00 a.m.: Should I pull in the garage or not?  Uhhhh…I dunno.  Yes, it might be raining when we go to preschool.  Sharp turn!
8:05:01: Oh, shoot!  I have a bad angle due to my indecision!
8:05:02: Oh, no!  I think I’m scraping the side of the car on the house!  Look at that!  I AM hitting the side of the house!  Hit the brake!  Guess what? It was the gas.
8:05:03: Why didn’t the car stop?  I need to hit the brake HARDER!!!!  Still the gas, this time with full force.
8:05:035: Oh, @#$%!  What’s happening?  My car is out of control!  Wait a second…am I pushing the gas?  I wish this were a dream, but I have my suspicions.  Why didn’t God include a rewind button for life?  That would have been really cool of him.  Some neurons yawned, “M o v e.  f o o t.  t o.  b r a k e.  e v e n t u a l l y.”  I hit the gas pedal one more time just to make sure it wasn’t the brake…
8:05:04: CRASH!!!!!!!  Is this real?  Hey, there’s the garage shelf on my windshield right in front of my face!  Oooo, I must have hit a can or two of green paint.  And look at those bricks fly through the air like Legos!  This Ford is impressively powerful!
8:05:045: Neurons finally get it right: BRAKE!  Put it in park, turn off engine.
8:05:05: Grab daughter, run into house, and watch for an explosion from the comfort of my breakfast room, which was a whole 10 feet away from the crash.  Helpful hint: If you think there is a chance of an explosion, don’t go into your own house.  Hindsight, ya know?

I cried, shook uncontrollably and felt nauseous for about 30 minutes before I realized that it might as well be funny because there wasn’t anything I could do about it at that point.  My daughter, barely five years old at the time, was completely silent during this whole incident; it’s the quietest she’s ever been in her whole life.  She was totally fine, and now I’m a big fan of Ford Expeditions for safety and power reasons.  You never know when you’ll need to plow through debris.

My husband was a plane ride away, but my dad was within driving distance and immediately came to my rescue.  Yay for dads!  And yay for husbands being out of town so you don’t have to see their initial reaction to foolish and overwhelming destruction!  The phone is such a nice buffer for those “whoopsie” accidents.

Oh, the horror.

Take that in for a moment.

One of the funniest parts about this incident was that before the crash, in the middle of the wall, there was a brick with what looked like a penis carved into it.  It was very visible.  I have no explanation for this other than the people who lived here before us had teenage boys.

To repair the wall, we used leftover construction bricks plus a few we saved and cleaned from the crash.  Even though my husband remembered the penis brick’s existence, he figured it was probably among the destroyed.  He and my dad must have hauled away a truckload of broken bricks.  What were the odds the penis brick would resurface?  Plus, my dad, who knows how to do everything, voluntarily rebuilt the entire wall for us.  He worked his fanny off in the heat, so we weren’t about to ask him to be on the lookout for a brick with a phallic symbol carved on one side.

Admire the carved handiwork, the details, the skill...

Sure enough, the penis brick ended up in almost the exact same spot from whence it came.

This rose bush will cover it soon, or at least make it smell good.

I froze the cookies that caused all the destruction in the first place, and we enjoyed them at a party a few weeks later where the destruction and the penis brick served as great conversation pieces.

I just made these neon stars last night; it’s the first time I’ve baked this kind in 5 years.  Here’s the recipe, but I advise that you start them earlier than bedtime!  Again, hindsight.

These are for a special birthday party where everyone requested neon poop. No, not really. The glowing excrement will come later as an extra little surprise party favor.

Delicious Sugar Cookies of Destruction
1 C salted butter, softened
1 ½ C powdered sugar
1 egg
1 tsp vanilla
½ tsp almond extract
2 ½ C flour
1 tsp baking soda
½ t. cream of tartar

In a mixer, cream the butter and sugar.  Mix in egg and flavorings on low speed.  Blend in dry ingredients just until thoroughly mixed.  Cover and chill for at least 20 minutes.  Roll out about a quarter of the dough at a time to 1/8 inch thick and cut into desired shapes, adding extra flour only if necessary.  Bake on an ungreased cookie sheet at 375° until set, about 8 minutes in my oven.  For the frosting: mix about 3 T butter, powdered sugar, about 2 T evaporated milk, a dash of salt, 1 tsp vanilla, and food coloring if desired.  If you want to add sprinkles, do it while the frosting is still wet and not set.  Freezes well so that you can make ahead, repair any destruction, and then enjoy. *These are fragile, so cut out sturdy, fat shapes that won’t break apart easily.  Once I used a skinny dragon cutter, and almost every cookie broke in half.  Horseshoes didn’t work well, either.  I promise they’re worth the trouble, though!

Sorry—I didn’t post instructions for carving a penis brick here, but I’m pretty sure you can find something on Pinterest.  ‘Cause I posted them there.